Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
