I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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