I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
