I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
