Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
God I need to hump something, right now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
