just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We had to coat check the pizza.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
