so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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