I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
