tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize