Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just invented taco cereal.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
