Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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