Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
