Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
