i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
