I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
