I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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