I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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