I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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