yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
