I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
