So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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