Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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