so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
