Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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