I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
