these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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