I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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