I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
This toilet bowl is my home.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
