Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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