i need an iv and a liver transplant
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
