The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
