remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
