Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
