I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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