i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
