Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
