my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
