There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
