I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
