Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
