i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
