I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
