Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
