the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
