if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
