Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
