Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize