he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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