So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
