drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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