I think I won the penis lottery.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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