All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
