ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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