the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Man, jail baloney is awful.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize