Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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