just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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