Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
