i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
