I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
