The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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