let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
