hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
